Me vs. Me

Hypothesis #2: Overexposure to hormonal teenagers results in the mimicking of teenage dramas in your own life.

Perhaps that is it.

Today, one of my brilliant colleagues said, “Amy, you cannot figure out matters of the heart with your brain. You have to figure them out with your heart.” Well, OK, I said, but what the hell does that mean?

If I left everything to my heart, I don’t think I would have any heart left. It would probably be a tiny shard of nothing after being broken so many times.

If I let my heart dictate my course of action right now, I would probably drive straight over to Boy #2 (the childhood friend) and confess my love. After that, since it is not too far away, I would likely drive to Boy #1’s house and say goodbye for good.

Another profound comment came from my roommate yesterday, as he was talking about one of his old mix CDs from a few years ago. “I wonder if the me then would like the me now,” he said.

In the current state of things, I think the me of sophomore year of college would probably get into a straight out brawl with the me of today. Sophomore Me would most likely call Now Me names like “Lame-o” or “Boyfriend Girl,” and remind the Now Me about our promise to never care so much about a boy/girl that it would distract us from being happy. Now Me would cower and admit her wrongdoings.

The fact is that I do want to chill out about this, I do want to forget about this, I do want to have the power to make it all go away. But no matter how hard I try, it just keeps getting worse. I get sick thinking about the moment when I see Boy #1 again. It angers me to think that he has the power now, as does Boy #2. And that is the most maddening thing; the loss of power. I should be able to dictate how I feel on a given day, and I know I can.

But not today.