Foresight is an unreliable gift

When I was in Hungary with my sister, she told me something interesting about my family. It actually started out as a conversation about what I was going to do next year, and my application for the senate fellowship. I told her I had a really clear visions about getting an interview, but I could not see myself getting the job. She asked me if I had a lot of visions about career related stuff, and I said yes. She told me that she had similar visions about career stuff as well, and usually had daydreams that would come to fruition. That's weird, I thought, that we would share the same characteristic. I always thought that was just wishful thinking. Then she told me about our great aunt.

Our great aunt was a very special lady. She was the local palm reader, spirit medium and tarot card reader. From the stories my grandmother told, my sister said our great aunt was quite reliable in this area. She predicted my grandmother would survive the holocaust with her baby, and she did.

The point? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think my sister and I somehow inhereted a tiny sliver of the foresight our great aunt possessed. Granted, I did not get the senate job, but when I interviewed for the LAUSD job, the events played out exactly as I pictured them in my head. I was disturbed when I did not get a call from them the day after the interview, because in my head, I could only see myself working for them. I could not see myself working in a classroom next year, of that I was certain. Not getting the job did not make sense in my head.

Unfortunately, this foresight is not always reliable, and does not transfer to all areas. People, for example. I have a hard time predicting how people are going to react to what I say. Like sometimes I will say something to someone, oh, I don't know, like "I really like spending time with you," and I think they will react positively. Only they don't. And maybe that is because it sounds stupid, because of COURSE I like spending time with people that I like. Perhaps it is a matter of getting the right words out at the right time.

But I can assure you, that has nothing to do with honesty. Open and honest, everybody says, is the way to be. That's crap. You can only be open and honest after you are deep into a relationship. The first few weeks, maybe few months, are all about games. Who has the power, who gains the power, who takes the power away, who starts first, finishes last, all of these are little games you have to play in order to get past them. Every time I try to be honest, it backfires. No amount of foresight can help that.

It might be one of those situations where I assume everything will end badly, and when it doesn't I will be pleasantly suprised. That philosophy, unfortunately, does not make living a very happy experience. I'd rather not adopt a self-defeating mantra.