Dammit. I lost.

With all of these games I have been playing, I think I have lost.

My excellent roommate and I had a discussion last night, that made me think hard about how I spend my brainpower.

We were talking about the first year of teaching. How wrapped up in it we were, how it consumed our every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment. I would think about teaching in the car, in the shower, when we went out. It was not until 6 months into the first year that I began to think about other things, namely relationships.

Now it has become an obsession, as Alexis pointed out. It is unhealthy and it must stop at once. Sure, I still think about work a lot. But when I pull out of that parking lot, or have a slow minute, those thoughts are there, banging on my conscious. Lots of little evil voices in my head say things like "what are you going to do about it?" or "man, you are so lame, why the hell don't you have a freaking man/woman?" or my favorite, " why the hell hasn't he called?"

The problem is that the only conceivable solution is to be in a relationship where I don't have to wonder about those things. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no qualms about being alone. I have been alone my whole freaking life. I have never had a relationship, a functional one, that has lasted more than 6 months. I think I am getting impatient, and it is driving me nuts. Love is a funny thing, je suppose.

Boy #2 seems to have lost interest, and I think I was pressing the issue too hard when I called him last night. He did not respond to my text message about Saturday, and I was compelled to call him to see what was up. There was nothing in his voice. I have known this kid long enough to know when he is interested in someone, and when he is just trying to be friendly. I seemed to have slipped back down to friend status, and this time, I am going to make an effort to stay there.

Boy #1, well, who the fuck knows. I want to see him, badly, but I don't want to seem eager. I think he is getting tired of the runaround as well, and it is backfiring.

Boy #3. When you base a relationship purely on making out, well, the maintence is rather low. Things are all good here.

I keep thinking about doing something drastic, like showing up at #2's house tonight at 2am, and just confessing. Perhaps that is a side effect of living in LA. Every situation can be translated into a movie scene. Girl shows up at house in the pouring rain, makeup ruined, hair dripping, asks confused boy if she can come in. He says sure, she says he has to tell him, she cannot take it anymore. Boy's eyes sparkle, he knows what is coming, he has felt it for weeks. She confesses.

The Speilberg ending would have them waking up the next day.

My ending results in me staring at my blog, shaking my head at that stupid idea.