Motorbikes and emotional mechanics

(This blog was written over two days. Here is the entry from Friday)

I truly am a despicable individual.

Today I skipped school to hang out with Alex's friend who is visiting from Missurah. And I just got home from spending the night at Boy #4's house. I believe the term 'playa playa' fits me like a new cotton sock. (Mmmm, new cotton socks)

I actually think karma made its way around to me, because I contracted a minor cough on Wednesday, and now I am ACTUALLY sick instead of just pretending to be sick while I take a sick day from school. Heh.

This week at school has been rather entertaining actually, because my student teacher started his observations and we started using the ISIS (scary computerized attendance/grading system) at school. Suprisingly, the first day with the system went flawlessly. How's that for progress? You impliment a new program, and it actually works? That does not seem to follow the LAUSD precedent. Perhaps things are looking up. The only pain in the ass part of this program is the grade book part, because it is nowhere near as efficient as our old system. I guess I should be thankful though, because Shmaleepoo still has to pencil in his grades on a bubble sheet. That is so, like, 1970.

And now its time for the segue.

Trusty rustry RainyDaySteph brings up several good points. Yes, it's true, the whole point of bringing Boy#2 a CD would be a mistake. And it's true, I am trying to sabotage things with boy #4, because he is __________________ (fill in the blank).

(And now, for Monday's entry)

First and foremost, I have to say that I am now addicted to motorcycle riding. I participated in Celina's poker ride by riding on the back of a motorcycle as we coasted around Los Angeles. It was a tremendous experience. I was scared shitless for the first few minutes, but I definitely got more comfortable as the ride went on. It is so exciting to feel that one second of intensity when the rider accelerates. I cannot even compare it to anything else I have done. I almost felt like I was in a foreign country as we rode around, because I got a chance to see parts of Los Angeles I have never seen. We went through some sort of canyon, and there were huge red tailed hawks everywhere, swooping down right next to us. At one point we stopped at Cook's Corner, which was, I kid you not, the quintessential biker bar. Hundreds of bikes were crowded into the dirt parking lot outside this dive of dives. There was grafitti on the ceiling that included key phrases like "Jim was here" and "F U Daisy!". All kinds of people were sitting around in their leather and sport bike gear, talking shop and smoking up a storm. Outside the bar, vendors were selling all sorts of biking items, such as sparkley fringe things and leather vests. Right before the end of the ride, we had a chance to drive down the coast and see the ocean. It was intense. I have had dreams about it for the past two nights. I cannot wait to go again.

The next day, I successfully proceeded to completely ruin any normalcy with Boy #4. I went down to his hood on Sunday, to say hello and drop off vairous items I had for him. At some point in our conversation, he told me he knew I was keeping something from him (not in those exact words, but that was the gist). I outright told him about Boy #5 (who is going to remain extremely anonymous), assuming it was ridiculous to try and hide it, and about how Boy5 and I stopped anything before it could go anywhere. Welp, I am dumb. That was outright sabotage. That was the complete wrong thing to say. To make a long story (that is still going on) short, we ended up in a conversation about the state of our relationship. I decided that, in order to avoid sticky situations like this in the future, that I would be willing to put down my dating shoes for a while. I mean, really, why do I need to mess around with anyone else right now? Boy #4 and I said we would keep an open relationship, but I feel like at this point, it is ridiculous to do something that just makes more problems.

We have come to a crossroads, I suppose, and it is one I have visited before. Usually, this ends in me getting hurt, because the boy is still a boy, and not yet man enought to accept some sort of responsibility for my feelings. I am not one to jump into a committed relationship (as indicated by my inability to stay with one person for more than 6 months). But even so, my idea of a committed relationship differs drastically from the traditional definition that I think Boy #4 is holding onto. The next level here, for me, is just not hooking up with anybody else. It does NOT mean we need to talk on the phone every day. It does NOT mean I am going to start introducing boy #4 as my boyfriend, nor do i expect him to introduce me as his girlfriend. It does NOT mean that we are going to start spending every waking moment together, or that I expect him to check with me before he goes out, because lord knows I would never be able to do that. At this point, I just want to be in a relationship where we are a little more careful not to hurt each other's feelings. There's nothing scary about that, is there?

And then my other question, is this completely ridiculous? Perhaps I should just run away? Do I keep on fighting a losing battle?