Does it scare us to see our reflection? In writing? In photos? In a window?
For me, when I write down how I am feeling or what is going on, it becomes more real. Like if I don't give a situation the credit of the written word, then it never happened. It can never be immortal, it has no life. I think that is where you can draw the line between responsible journalism and plain crap. Journalists, writers of all sorts, make things, people, animals, immortal. That is why it is scary when our media fails us. It is scary when we see an outright lie on TV "news" or in a quote from a politician. Because that lie becomes more than a lie, it becomes living, breathing truth to someone.
On a much more micro and less significant scale, I suffer from a terrible fear of facing up to the truths in my life. I think I put off blogging because I don't want to face certain truths in my life. One truth that keeps staring me in the face is that I am lonely, and craving something more than the people around me have time to give. I understand that, respect that, I just need to accept my lonliness, and not characterize "alone" as bad. It's jarring though, when people just stop calling, stop remembering to invite you to things, and you have to start over with a whole new set of people. It's not necessarily a bad experience, just exhausting.
I am also afraid of facing up to the task ahead of me, because every day it seems to take a different shape. I try to focus on what I can, doing the best I can with the tiny tasks on my plate. I try to think carefully about my words, my actions, my ideas. But I can't help feeling like I am smashing up against a deceptively hard wall of clay. Sometimes I feel like people are just begging for someone to do something about everything. The irony is though, that if everyone did something about something everything would be taken care of. But men and women are not angels, and you cannot rely on human nature to correct itself.
I am not worried about the change to come, something will come, it always does. I am worried about my part in that change. Will I be an unwilling participant in a gross reshaping of that wall, or will I have the chance to break it down completely? Shit. It drives me nuts.
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3 comments:
hey, you always have the ability to edit what you write.
we don't always have that chance in other situations.
sweet post, no rescentment, just realism. I feel you. When it gets to be a bit much, I just fly away. To mom and dad, to friends, to siblings. Going it alone only has to so far.
You keep the conversation going by writing. You've created a public document that allays the solitude traditionally associated with writing and your good at it. It's not everyday that I find something beautiful, but today, I have.
truth is scary...but often we warp it too...
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