Patience is a virtue (that I don't have)

I could wait forever for a student to write a sentence. Spend an hour with a kid refusing to talk about their bad day. I can wait through 10 hour meetings, just to hear a motion read. I can wait for paint to dry on a canvas. I can wait for the right word at the right moment in the right paragraph.

But I cannot seem to wait for the right person to come along.

I'll get myself into pseudo-right situations, and then convince myself the rest of the way. Then, when it is made clear to me that it is not the right situation, I am suddenly surprised and sink into a state of post-rejection depression, when in fact I rejected the situation much earlier in the relationship. It's damaging, and I know people offer warnings against it before I get too deep, but I never heed them.

I don't need to have any more experience with dating, or hooking up or whatever. I am ready, I want that relationship. Only I don't want it with anyone I know, and I don't know when I am going to meet the person that I will want it with. Oh yeah, and I am tired of waiting for them.

I hate to generalize, but it seems like everyone around me has little to no problem finding these things. Perhaps they are more relaxed about things, they don't think about "the chase," they let themselves be chased. But shit man, what if no one is chasing you? Or you don't like the ones that are chasing? When do you start compromising your standards? 26? 29? 31? Eventually you start seeing your life without a partner, realize going solo is not only subversively frowned upon by society, but by your friends as well. You become the one always going home alone, waking up alone, dancing alone. There is only so much pride you can take in your independence before it becomes too much, and you want to hermit up. You want to shut yourself in, because outside, there are lots of people mocking you and your independence. Dinner tables with two chairs. Stares at the movie theater when you ask for one ticket. Flashes of pity as you sip your solitary martini. The cold spot on the other side of the bed.

So I'll stop trying to encourage the chase, dismiss suspicious glances, and brush off convention. I'll steel myself to couples-speak. Stop imagining what it might be like to be in her position. Stop trying to rush the time-space continuum. I'll pick up projects and work on being good. Hopefully, one day, i'll be good enough for someone.