Dang. That is the second time I used parentheses in a title. I need to stop that.
So I am sitting here, listening to #2's recently recorded work. From an absolutely objective point of view (stop laughing hyserically), it is fucking incredible. Do you ever have those CDs that just completely floor you -- those CDs that you can't listen to in the car, because you will drive off the road? Upon first listening to the CD, I had to stop washing dishes, turn up the volume and lie on the floor to take in the music. (If you are averted to cheese, skip this next part, and forget I ever wrote it). Maybe it's his voice, or that I can picture him singing. Or the fact that there are about 14 layers in every song. Dammit, you know? I was doing a good job of erasing my romantic feelings for him, and he has to go an make an amazing piece of music. Leaves and dirt, leaves and dirt.
Aside from this rather gut-wrenching moment, I had a fantastic day today, because I realized that yes, I am going to law school, for real. I took a practice LSAT, and scored exactly average (150). Now all I have to do is raise that score by 20 points. Most people say that you can't raise your score more than 10 points, even if you study really hard, but screw that. I can take this test, and I am going to get a 170, end of story.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Patience is a virtue (that I don't have)
I could wait forever for a student to write a sentence. Spend an hour with a kid refusing to talk about their bad day. I can wait through 10 hour meetings, just to hear a motion read. I can wait for paint to dry on a canvas. I can wait for the right word at the right moment in the right paragraph.
But I cannot seem to wait for the right person to come along.
I'll get myself into pseudo-right situations, and then convince myself the rest of the way. Then, when it is made clear to me that it is not the right situation, I am suddenly surprised and sink into a state of post-rejection depression, when in fact I rejected the situation much earlier in the relationship. It's damaging, and I know people offer warnings against it before I get too deep, but I never heed them.
I don't need to have any more experience with dating, or hooking up or whatever. I am ready, I want that relationship. Only I don't want it with anyone I know, and I don't know when I am going to meet the person that I will want it with. Oh yeah, and I am tired of waiting for them.
I hate to generalize, but it seems like everyone around me has little to no problem finding these things. Perhaps they are more relaxed about things, they don't think about "the chase," they let themselves be chased. But shit man, what if no one is chasing you? Or you don't like the ones that are chasing? When do you start compromising your standards? 26? 29? 31? Eventually you start seeing your life without a partner, realize going solo is not only subversively frowned upon by society, but by your friends as well. You become the one always going home alone, waking up alone, dancing alone. There is only so much pride you can take in your independence before it becomes too much, and you want to hermit up. You want to shut yourself in, because outside, there are lots of people mocking you and your independence. Dinner tables with two chairs. Stares at the movie theater when you ask for one ticket. Flashes of pity as you sip your solitary martini. The cold spot on the other side of the bed.
So I'll stop trying to encourage the chase, dismiss suspicious glances, and brush off convention. I'll steel myself to couples-speak. Stop imagining what it might be like to be in her position. Stop trying to rush the time-space continuum. I'll pick up projects and work on being good. Hopefully, one day, i'll be good enough for someone.
But I cannot seem to wait for the right person to come along.
I'll get myself into pseudo-right situations, and then convince myself the rest of the way. Then, when it is made clear to me that it is not the right situation, I am suddenly surprised and sink into a state of post-rejection depression, when in fact I rejected the situation much earlier in the relationship. It's damaging, and I know people offer warnings against it before I get too deep, but I never heed them.
I don't need to have any more experience with dating, or hooking up or whatever. I am ready, I want that relationship. Only I don't want it with anyone I know, and I don't know when I am going to meet the person that I will want it with. Oh yeah, and I am tired of waiting for them.
I hate to generalize, but it seems like everyone around me has little to no problem finding these things. Perhaps they are more relaxed about things, they don't think about "the chase," they let themselves be chased. But shit man, what if no one is chasing you? Or you don't like the ones that are chasing? When do you start compromising your standards? 26? 29? 31? Eventually you start seeing your life without a partner, realize going solo is not only subversively frowned upon by society, but by your friends as well. You become the one always going home alone, waking up alone, dancing alone. There is only so much pride you can take in your independence before it becomes too much, and you want to hermit up. You want to shut yourself in, because outside, there are lots of people mocking you and your independence. Dinner tables with two chairs. Stares at the movie theater when you ask for one ticket. Flashes of pity as you sip your solitary martini. The cold spot on the other side of the bed.
So I'll stop trying to encourage the chase, dismiss suspicious glances, and brush off convention. I'll steel myself to couples-speak. Stop imagining what it might be like to be in her position. Stop trying to rush the time-space continuum. I'll pick up projects and work on being good. Hopefully, one day, i'll be good enough for someone.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Tagged? I thought that was just for desks.
ShaniquaP tagged me with these questions, so fine, here goes.
Four jobs they couldn’t pay you enough to do:global economy assasin, Halliburton stooge, Bush for Emperor Campaign manager, Rainforest destroyer, vet (I could not stand to euthenize (sp?) the animals).
Four movies you used to love and watched over and over to the point that now you have them memorized and the prospect of watching them again causes your eyeballs to bleed: Coming to America, Clueless, Star Wars IV-VI, Willow (though I don't own any of these!)
Alternatively, four movies you loved when you saw them in the theater but don’t dare watch again for fear they won’t hold up: I can't remember???
Four places in the United States you've always thanked God you don't live even when you were living in ______ (I filled in the blank with Chardon, OH.): rural Mississippi, Detroit (sorry D-town fans, that city is just scary), Peru, Ind., West Texas.
Four places you would like to visit on an extended vacation: Paris, Morocco, Italy, Spain.
Four TV shows you are strangely tempted to watch but have so far resisted: (easy to do when you don't have a tube) Extreme Makeover, Desparate Housewives, Veronica Mars, and I don't know the names of TV shows anymore. shit.
Four foods you don’t really like and can’t understand why you eat them but you eat them anyway and feel bad about it afterwards: candy of any sort (lollypops, jellybeans, starburst, etc. etc.) that does not involve chocolate. And not crap chocolate, good chocolate. Although I do like a good sour patch kid every once in a while.
Four albums you never listen to anymore but can’t bring yourself to trade in at Tower Records: (I don't really own CDs per se, but here are some mp3 albums) Butterfly Boucher, Frou Frou, Keane, Interpol.
Four places you’d rather be but sadly won’t be any time soon: Paris, the Galapagos Islands, Paris, and a little place called the Marais in Paris.
Four jobs they couldn’t pay you enough to do:global economy assasin, Halliburton stooge, Bush for Emperor Campaign manager, Rainforest destroyer, vet (I could not stand to euthenize (sp?) the animals).
Four movies you used to love and watched over and over to the point that now you have them memorized and the prospect of watching them again causes your eyeballs to bleed: Coming to America, Clueless, Star Wars IV-VI, Willow (though I don't own any of these!)
Alternatively, four movies you loved when you saw them in the theater but don’t dare watch again for fear they won’t hold up: I can't remember???
Four places in the United States you've always thanked God you don't live even when you were living in ______ (I filled in the blank with Chardon, OH.): rural Mississippi, Detroit (sorry D-town fans, that city is just scary), Peru, Ind., West Texas.
Four places you would like to visit on an extended vacation: Paris, Morocco, Italy, Spain.
Four TV shows you are strangely tempted to watch but have so far resisted: (easy to do when you don't have a tube) Extreme Makeover, Desparate Housewives, Veronica Mars, and I don't know the names of TV shows anymore. shit.
Four foods you don’t really like and can’t understand why you eat them but you eat them anyway and feel bad about it afterwards: candy of any sort (lollypops, jellybeans, starburst, etc. etc.) that does not involve chocolate. And not crap chocolate, good chocolate. Although I do like a good sour patch kid every once in a while.
Four albums you never listen to anymore but can’t bring yourself to trade in at Tower Records: (I don't really own CDs per se, but here are some mp3 albums) Butterfly Boucher, Frou Frou, Keane, Interpol.
Four places you’d rather be but sadly won’t be any time soon: Paris, the Galapagos Islands, Paris, and a little place called the Marais in Paris.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
David Stephen Bowie Malkmus
I love these men. I just wanted to declare that, so I remember what I was listening to when I turn old and gray. I wonder what my grandkids are going to say when I put the old mp3 on our fully integrated home entertainment system.
In a shakey, nostalgic voice I will say:
"Well kiddo, when I was just a little older than you, I fell in love. No, ho ho ho, no, not with your grand(father? mother?), but with two men! Yes, David Bowie and Stephen Malkmus. I spent long hours in front of my iBook listening to that chap. Heh."
And they will laugh at me, for using an iBook and for being a silly grandma. And then they will tell me stories about the simulations they completed in school. And all will be right and good with the world. Or what will be left of it at that point.
In a shakey, nostalgic voice I will say:
"Well kiddo, when I was just a little older than you, I fell in love. No, ho ho ho, no, not with your grand(father? mother?), but with two men! Yes, David Bowie and Stephen Malkmus. I spent long hours in front of my iBook listening to that chap. Heh."
And they will laugh at me, for using an iBook and for being a silly grandma. And then they will tell me stories about the simulations they completed in school. And all will be right and good with the world. Or what will be left of it at that point.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Fifty percent of nothing
It's been almost three weeks since my last post. Shit that's a long time. I have tried to approach the computer several times since my last post, but I think I have been afraid of facing the truth, or at least putting it in words. And it is startling just how many truths one has to face up to if one waits long enough. But here it is, 2006, a year from last year's hangover, I might as well start facing reality's sandpaper sooner rather than later.
So, let me start with 2. I got pissed at 2, and after a night of drinking last week, I called him. He was on his way home, slighly tipsy. I asked him to come over. He refused. Why, I said, getting impatient. It's not a good idea he said, you know it, I know it, let's just leave it at that. But you f-ed things up I said, losing my patience. I thought I made it pretty clear, we cannot have a relationship like you want, he insisted. Like I want!?!? Like I want?!?! I exclaimed, what the hell was last week all about?!?!?!?!?
I don't really remember what was said exactly, I think I am trying to block it out of my mind, but he mostly rescinded everything he said on that fateful Saturday. He said he was fed up with the constant imbalance in the relationship, me always liking him more than he likes me. To that I say, thibitthibitthibit. I will not dignify that kind of ego-babble bullshit with a response. He can take his perfect india ink eyes and 180million IQ and go f with another girl's head. Yes, I still love him, but I am not going to put myself through his shit in pursuit of some relationship that would probably be detrimental in the long run.
Whew. Moving on. StaceyShaniquaP came to visit last week. I am just going to list some key words:
Magic Castle
Magicians at Mel's
Holiday party with the boss
Ecstasy with Shmallie, followed by Little Tokyo Sushi delights
Akbar boys love akbar boys
4100 french martinis and the politics of journalism in LA
A hungover run around the reservoir
Reunion over hamentashen and bad jam bands
5 am flight to SFO
And done. Clearly, it was the best three days of SSP's life in Los Angeles. ;)
New Years, now that was an experience. As tradition dictates, I spent the first part of the evening enjoying new years soup at my sister's friend's house. My sister and brother-in-law drive down every year to have new years with these particular pals, and since I have been in LA, I too have reaped the benefits of these visits. Why soup on new years? It's a secret. So there. Ha. The second part of the night, well, I went somewhere new, I drank something (or somethings new), I did some bad things. All in all, it was fantastic. A rather tame, and yet, refreshing new years.
One of my bad new years deeds left me thinking about something though, something I am all too willing to discard. When I do these things, with 2, with 4, with whoever, I am at least 50 percent responsible. More than often, I am always aware of what I am getting myself into, and I do it anyways. I am not sure why i crave these emotionally irresponsible situations. The logical person would say, um, hello, you WANT a relationship right now, why are you f-ing around with non-relationship situations? Instead, I say, OH BOY! FUN! WHAT CAN I GET MYSELF INTO TODAY???
Perhaps my new years resolution should be to listen to that logical person.
So, let me start with 2. I got pissed at 2, and after a night of drinking last week, I called him. He was on his way home, slighly tipsy. I asked him to come over. He refused. Why, I said, getting impatient. It's not a good idea he said, you know it, I know it, let's just leave it at that. But you f-ed things up I said, losing my patience. I thought I made it pretty clear, we cannot have a relationship like you want, he insisted. Like I want!?!? Like I want?!?! I exclaimed, what the hell was last week all about?!?!?!?!?
I don't really remember what was said exactly, I think I am trying to block it out of my mind, but he mostly rescinded everything he said on that fateful Saturday. He said he was fed up with the constant imbalance in the relationship, me always liking him more than he likes me. To that I say, thibitthibitthibit. I will not dignify that kind of ego-babble bullshit with a response. He can take his perfect india ink eyes and 180million IQ and go f with another girl's head. Yes, I still love him, but I am not going to put myself through his shit in pursuit of some relationship that would probably be detrimental in the long run.
Whew. Moving on. StaceyShaniquaP came to visit last week. I am just going to list some key words:
Magic Castle
Magicians at Mel's
Holiday party with the boss
Ecstasy with Shmallie, followed by Little Tokyo Sushi delights
Akbar boys love akbar boys
4100 french martinis and the politics of journalism in LA
A hungover run around the reservoir
Reunion over hamentashen and bad jam bands
5 am flight to SFO
And done. Clearly, it was the best three days of SSP's life in Los Angeles. ;)
New Years, now that was an experience. As tradition dictates, I spent the first part of the evening enjoying new years soup at my sister's friend's house. My sister and brother-in-law drive down every year to have new years with these particular pals, and since I have been in LA, I too have reaped the benefits of these visits. Why soup on new years? It's a secret. So there. Ha. The second part of the night, well, I went somewhere new, I drank something (or somethings new), I did some bad things. All in all, it was fantastic. A rather tame, and yet, refreshing new years.
One of my bad new years deeds left me thinking about something though, something I am all too willing to discard. When I do these things, with 2, with 4, with whoever, I am at least 50 percent responsible. More than often, I am always aware of what I am getting myself into, and I do it anyways. I am not sure why i crave these emotionally irresponsible situations. The logical person would say, um, hello, you WANT a relationship right now, why are you f-ing around with non-relationship situations? Instead, I say, OH BOY! FUN! WHAT CAN I GET MYSELF INTO TODAY???
Perhaps my new years resolution should be to listen to that logical person.
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