I am having such bad writers block this week. I can't write at work, I can't write at home, I can't write in my head. I am even having trouble writing this blog. Shit dog, this sucks. I have to force myself to do this. Turn off "You Suck FM," which has been pounding against my skull for the past few days. It feels like I am wearing rubber fishing pants full of water, wading against the current.
The truth is, that I am going through some sort of weird cleansing.
I am going to a shrink for the first time since my mom died when I was 13. I can't fucking believe I was not being sent to a shrink after that event, but I guess my dad was too busy picking up the pieces to figure out what I needed. That, and I certainly was not open with him about anything.
I am also getting myself involved in the GLBT community, something long overdue for me. I was actually inspired by several episodes of the L Word, which I by chance rented from the best video store in the whole wide world. I was so inspired, in fact, that I went to a bisexual conversation group at The Center, which was a very liberating experience. No one knew me there, and there I was, telling them about my daily conflicts and listening to them express the same feelings. It's weird. I can so easily play the game with boys, but when it comes to girls, I get all google-eyed and silly. Ok, maybe I am just always google-eyed and silly, but it is much more of a challenge to ask a girl out. The first obstacle, I am realizing, is that you never know if a person is straight or gay. Really though, the worst that could happen is that I end up with a friend, rather than a girlfriend.
One good way to discern a person's sexuality however, is to go to a lesbian bar. At least the statistics are better there. Unfortunately, the gay bars in this part of town are few and far between. So, I did a little searching, and it turns out I might also be a part of a group of lesbians that are trying to organize art loft parties downtown, but that is still uncertain. I came by that on accident, and the details have not been nailed down by any means.
And then there was an incident with #1 on Friday. Thankfully, I am not fully, fully, fully cleansed of any feelings I had towards him. I was so cleansed, in fact, that I kicked him out of my house at 3 am. And I haven't even texted him. So there.
So now what. Now that I am embracing fate, embracing who I am, embracing the world as it stands, now what? I kind of feel like I did when I was going through the whole "who I am I?" phase that hits us all at around 14. I much prefer the 24 year old version of the crisis. It seems much less dire.
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1 comment:
Funny that it seems less dire, but in reality, it's probably so much more meaningful.
And glad to hear you've found a couple of places that you feel you fit in and can talk about things. Although cities have a variety of people, they're sometimes the most difficult places to locate those things.
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