It is strange to notice a body part you sort of take for granted. Like the index fingers on both of my hands. I had no idea how hard I work those little guys. After a few hours of rockin' the bass in the "band" that is slowly forming in Toodles' practice space, I have HUGE blisters on the tips of each of my index fingers.
The weird part is though, I kind of like them, for two reasons:
1. I like the physical injury incurred during artistic expression and release. Sore muscles after dancing, an enlarged "writer's bump" on the middle finger, that patch of indigo that refuses to wash off your left ankle for days, etc.
2. Everything feels really good against the blistery part. There is a painfully thin barrier between pleasure and pain on these spots. If I scratch Paka's nose lightly, it feels really good. If I type furiously, then is ow, and double triple latte ow.
But it is so very worth it. I am starting to learn a lot about the bass, and subsequently the guitar. I am getting better at picking out baselines as I listen to music. It's still hard though, because I am a glutton for melody. And I still basically suck ass at the bass, but hey, we don't have any gigs scheduled for at least the next 6 to 8 months, so I have some time to practice.
In other news, my relationship/crush/physical contact fast is going badly. I have a BEEEEG crush. I am trying to put it down though. I don't know the person all that well, and I actually have yet to determine if they are gay or straight. And yes, I am speaking in non-gender specific terms, just because I can. So far though, things don't look to be going in my favor. It's been two days since "person" last emailed me, and as much as I want to email again, I know I gotta just play it cool. Ice cold. Ice cold.
Yeah, thanks Andre 3K.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Mexico and the pains of growing up
Hi blog, sorry I haven't written lately, for some reason unburdening my soul felt like too heavy a task until today. I am feeling strong now, so I suppose I will have to capitalize on this moment.
First, a bit about the camping trip last week. I wrote most of this out on post its when we were in Mexico.
Last weekend, I went camping with 6 people, all of whom were an important part of the experience There was of course Toodles and V, Tino, (pseudo)Miracle, Stephology, Kirstinalia, and Marta. We camped just north of Ensenada, in a place called Playa something-or-other. Basically, it was a big mountain overlooking the ocean. The campsites were linked together by a single road, and the whole things was just carved out of this big cliff. Our tents were situated in a way where you could look out the little mesh window on the side and all you would see was ocean. It was a great feeling of fear and rapture all at once. On Friday night, after we set up the tent, we went to a tiny town north of camp called Puerto Nuevo (right? isn't that what it was?). We ate at a restaurant famous for their lobster, which I of course did not order (although I did try a bite, and it was awesome!). We began the meal with some crispy, corny tortilla chips, and ome biting salsa that had big veggie chunks in it. Everyone ordered a margarita. But these were no ordinary margaritas. They were uber-strong, and uber large. Think goblet of fire size. Of course, 1/4 of the way through the margarita, I was completely wasted. I ordered the halibut in yummy sauce that I can't describe, and it was accompanied by peppers and onions. We were all buzzing hard by the end of the meail, so we decided to walk around the village a bit.
Now, let me pause for a bit and document what was going through my head, because I remember it clearly and feel it now (at the time I was writing this in Mexico). I was totally out of place in the group. Road trips generally scare me because at one point you can pretty much be assured that people are going to be annoyed with you. I seem to have little to no group social skills, becase I never know what to say or how to act when I am put into a different group and I am so, so out of my element. I often wonder if people are just humoring me, asking me to come along because they are nice, not because they actually want to be with me. I wondered this the whole time. I wondered if Tino regretted his decision to ask me to come on the trip. This overwhelming feeling of dread left me a little quiet and distracted during the trip.
Anyway, back to the story. We bought some more tequilla for the campsite, and I helped Tio pick out earrings for his lady, with only a minor twinge of jealousy. Not because I have any smooshy feelings for Tino, I definitely do not, but more because I was longing for someone who would do that for me. Somehow, mostly due to Tino's excellent drunk driving skills, we made it back to camp. We managed to make a fire and talk for a while before retiring. I had a less than restful sleep. But that is another story I don't want to tell.
The next day we woke up kind of early (because we went to bed at about 10!), and had a nature experience. A few of us braved the cliff edge and hiked down to the water. It wasn't a sandy beach, but rather a big black rock beach. Which, as we discovered, can be cool too, because it is home to many tiny (and not so tiny creatures). We found a funny looking stick which Toodles took to immeadiately, and well, madness ensued. We saw a lot of tiny crabs, a big red starfish splayed out on a rock, and a sea lion! An actual sea lion! Bobbing up and down! It was incredible! There were also lots of birds flying around. I liked the pelicans, mostly because they have that big expanable beak.
After our nature tour, we decided to go to Ensenada. It was crawling with tourists, tiny girls and old women selling chicle and necklaces, and shops selling overpriced wares to unfortunate first-world suckers. I, fortunately, only got suckered into spending 8 dollars on a vintage photo for my brother, and 12 on a funny silver letter opener for my sister. We also ate at an amazing place on the recommendation of "mano-on-the-street." Those are always the best people to rely on for good restaurants when you are in a foreign country. Unless they tell you the best restaurant is their house. That is just kind of scary. Anyways, we had some incredible tortillas and breakfasty-type items at this place that had a HUGE selection of delicious food. We then decided to split up along gender lines, and sent the boys off to gather firewood while the ladies went to the grocery store to collect foodstuffs for dinner.
Our first grocery stop was Gigante, where we were able to recover everything except for the carne for the carne asada (i ate beans and corn.) The meat lady at Gigante directed us to another store for the meat. I waited outside with the groceries while V and Maritime got the meat. V walked out of the store with a smile and a big, bloody bag of meat. It was geeeross! But apparently, it was amazingly tasty.
That night, we drank some more, smoked some more, and talked some more. Then, we went to bed. Actually, i went to bed first because I was starting to get loopy. The next day we packed up and headed up to a special spa hotel for brunch. I was unprepared for the smorgasboard (sp?) that greeted us as we walked in the door. There was mole chicken (which looked good, I just tried the mole part), some seafood mixture Tino said was really good, excellent tortillas, special mexican apple pastries, fried bananas, potato pancakes, flan, fruit, huevos rancheros, "soggy nachos" (I cannot remember the spanish word for those), and about a trillion other yummy mexican foods. The best part about the brunch though, was that the patio we were sitting on overlooked the ocean, and we observed a little school of dolphins swimming about in the ocean inbetween the surfers. I love nature.
The ride home, was frustrating at best. I'll make it short, because this post is getting gigantic. Tino got a ticket for something we could not determine. Accident shut down two of the five exits to the US, and all traffic got rerouted. It took us three hours to get out of Mexico.
It was an unforgettable experience.
First, a bit about the camping trip last week. I wrote most of this out on post its when we were in Mexico.
Last weekend, I went camping with 6 people, all of whom were an important part of the experience There was of course Toodles and V, Tino, (pseudo)Miracle, Stephology, Kirstinalia, and Marta. We camped just north of Ensenada, in a place called Playa something-or-other. Basically, it was a big mountain overlooking the ocean. The campsites were linked together by a single road, and the whole things was just carved out of this big cliff. Our tents were situated in a way where you could look out the little mesh window on the side and all you would see was ocean. It was a great feeling of fear and rapture all at once. On Friday night, after we set up the tent, we went to a tiny town north of camp called Puerto Nuevo (right? isn't that what it was?). We ate at a restaurant famous for their lobster, which I of course did not order (although I did try a bite, and it was awesome!). We began the meal with some crispy, corny tortilla chips, and ome biting salsa that had big veggie chunks in it. Everyone ordered a margarita. But these were no ordinary margaritas. They were uber-strong, and uber large. Think goblet of fire size. Of course, 1/4 of the way through the margarita, I was completely wasted. I ordered the halibut in yummy sauce that I can't describe, and it was accompanied by peppers and onions. We were all buzzing hard by the end of the meail, so we decided to walk around the village a bit.
Now, let me pause for a bit and document what was going through my head, because I remember it clearly and feel it now (at the time I was writing this in Mexico). I was totally out of place in the group. Road trips generally scare me because at one point you can pretty much be assured that people are going to be annoyed with you. I seem to have little to no group social skills, becase I never know what to say or how to act when I am put into a different group and I am so, so out of my element. I often wonder if people are just humoring me, asking me to come along because they are nice, not because they actually want to be with me. I wondered this the whole time. I wondered if Tino regretted his decision to ask me to come on the trip. This overwhelming feeling of dread left me a little quiet and distracted during the trip.
Anyway, back to the story. We bought some more tequilla for the campsite, and I helped Tio pick out earrings for his lady, with only a minor twinge of jealousy. Not because I have any smooshy feelings for Tino, I definitely do not, but more because I was longing for someone who would do that for me. Somehow, mostly due to Tino's excellent drunk driving skills, we made it back to camp. We managed to make a fire and talk for a while before retiring. I had a less than restful sleep. But that is another story I don't want to tell.
The next day we woke up kind of early (because we went to bed at about 10!), and had a nature experience. A few of us braved the cliff edge and hiked down to the water. It wasn't a sandy beach, but rather a big black rock beach. Which, as we discovered, can be cool too, because it is home to many tiny (and not so tiny creatures). We found a funny looking stick which Toodles took to immeadiately, and well, madness ensued. We saw a lot of tiny crabs, a big red starfish splayed out on a rock, and a sea lion! An actual sea lion! Bobbing up and down! It was incredible! There were also lots of birds flying around. I liked the pelicans, mostly because they have that big expanable beak.
After our nature tour, we decided to go to Ensenada. It was crawling with tourists, tiny girls and old women selling chicle and necklaces, and shops selling overpriced wares to unfortunate first-world suckers. I, fortunately, only got suckered into spending 8 dollars on a vintage photo for my brother, and 12 on a funny silver letter opener for my sister. We also ate at an amazing place on the recommendation of "mano-on-the-street." Those are always the best people to rely on for good restaurants when you are in a foreign country. Unless they tell you the best restaurant is their house. That is just kind of scary. Anyways, we had some incredible tortillas and breakfasty-type items at this place that had a HUGE selection of delicious food. We then decided to split up along gender lines, and sent the boys off to gather firewood while the ladies went to the grocery store to collect foodstuffs for dinner.
Our first grocery stop was Gigante, where we were able to recover everything except for the carne for the carne asada (i ate beans and corn.) The meat lady at Gigante directed us to another store for the meat. I waited outside with the groceries while V and Maritime got the meat. V walked out of the store with a smile and a big, bloody bag of meat. It was geeeross! But apparently, it was amazingly tasty.
That night, we drank some more, smoked some more, and talked some more. Then, we went to bed. Actually, i went to bed first because I was starting to get loopy. The next day we packed up and headed up to a special spa hotel for brunch. I was unprepared for the smorgasboard (sp?) that greeted us as we walked in the door. There was mole chicken (which looked good, I just tried the mole part), some seafood mixture Tino said was really good, excellent tortillas, special mexican apple pastries, fried bananas, potato pancakes, flan, fruit, huevos rancheros, "soggy nachos" (I cannot remember the spanish word for those), and about a trillion other yummy mexican foods. The best part about the brunch though, was that the patio we were sitting on overlooked the ocean, and we observed a little school of dolphins swimming about in the ocean inbetween the surfers. I love nature.
The ride home, was frustrating at best. I'll make it short, because this post is getting gigantic. Tino got a ticket for something we could not determine. Accident shut down two of the five exits to the US, and all traffic got rerouted. It took us three hours to get out of Mexico.
It was an unforgettable experience.
Monday, November 07, 2005
rub a dub dub
I am having such bad writers block this week. I can't write at work, I can't write at home, I can't write in my head. I am even having trouble writing this blog. Shit dog, this sucks. I have to force myself to do this. Turn off "You Suck FM," which has been pounding against my skull for the past few days. It feels like I am wearing rubber fishing pants full of water, wading against the current.
The truth is, that I am going through some sort of weird cleansing.
I am going to a shrink for the first time since my mom died when I was 13. I can't fucking believe I was not being sent to a shrink after that event, but I guess my dad was too busy picking up the pieces to figure out what I needed. That, and I certainly was not open with him about anything.
I am also getting myself involved in the GLBT community, something long overdue for me. I was actually inspired by several episodes of the L Word, which I by chance rented from the best video store in the whole wide world. I was so inspired, in fact, that I went to a bisexual conversation group at The Center, which was a very liberating experience. No one knew me there, and there I was, telling them about my daily conflicts and listening to them express the same feelings. It's weird. I can so easily play the game with boys, but when it comes to girls, I get all google-eyed and silly. Ok, maybe I am just always google-eyed and silly, but it is much more of a challenge to ask a girl out. The first obstacle, I am realizing, is that you never know if a person is straight or gay. Really though, the worst that could happen is that I end up with a friend, rather than a girlfriend.
One good way to discern a person's sexuality however, is to go to a lesbian bar. At least the statistics are better there. Unfortunately, the gay bars in this part of town are few and far between. So, I did a little searching, and it turns out I might also be a part of a group of lesbians that are trying to organize art loft parties downtown, but that is still uncertain. I came by that on accident, and the details have not been nailed down by any means.
And then there was an incident with #1 on Friday. Thankfully, I am not fully, fully, fully cleansed of any feelings I had towards him. I was so cleansed, in fact, that I kicked him out of my house at 3 am. And I haven't even texted him. So there.
So now what. Now that I am embracing fate, embracing who I am, embracing the world as it stands, now what? I kind of feel like I did when I was going through the whole "who I am I?" phase that hits us all at around 14. I much prefer the 24 year old version of the crisis. It seems much less dire.
The truth is, that I am going through some sort of weird cleansing.
I am going to a shrink for the first time since my mom died when I was 13. I can't fucking believe I was not being sent to a shrink after that event, but I guess my dad was too busy picking up the pieces to figure out what I needed. That, and I certainly was not open with him about anything.
I am also getting myself involved in the GLBT community, something long overdue for me. I was actually inspired by several episodes of the L Word, which I by chance rented from the best video store in the whole wide world. I was so inspired, in fact, that I went to a bisexual conversation group at The Center, which was a very liberating experience. No one knew me there, and there I was, telling them about my daily conflicts and listening to them express the same feelings. It's weird. I can so easily play the game with boys, but when it comes to girls, I get all google-eyed and silly. Ok, maybe I am just always google-eyed and silly, but it is much more of a challenge to ask a girl out. The first obstacle, I am realizing, is that you never know if a person is straight or gay. Really though, the worst that could happen is that I end up with a friend, rather than a girlfriend.
One good way to discern a person's sexuality however, is to go to a lesbian bar. At least the statistics are better there. Unfortunately, the gay bars in this part of town are few and far between. So, I did a little searching, and it turns out I might also be a part of a group of lesbians that are trying to organize art loft parties downtown, but that is still uncertain. I came by that on accident, and the details have not been nailed down by any means.
And then there was an incident with #1 on Friday. Thankfully, I am not fully, fully, fully cleansed of any feelings I had towards him. I was so cleansed, in fact, that I kicked him out of my house at 3 am. And I haven't even texted him. So there.
So now what. Now that I am embracing fate, embracing who I am, embracing the world as it stands, now what? I kind of feel like I did when I was going through the whole "who I am I?" phase that hits us all at around 14. I much prefer the 24 year old version of the crisis. It seems much less dire.
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