It is amazing how I can be so optimistic about the world, a very difficult thing to change, and so pessimistic about relationships, something that is easily altered by augmenting my behavior.
But it just. Keeps. Happening.
I feel like a fucking idiot for not being more aware.
Is it luck? Do I set myself up for failure? Why do I keep getting hurt? Why am I always the fucking victim? (I am sure I am not always the victim, but I would bet it averages out to about 97 percent of the time.)
I mean, are they all lined up to sucker punch me in the gut?
And when I do receive the punch, I want to run immediately to the puncher and take back all of the mixes I gave them, take back all of the nice things I said about them, take back those moments when my heart felt like it was about to burst because I was so happy with them. Clearly, all of that was based on a lie.
I keep thinking, how is #6 going to hurt me? Is he going to find someone else, prettier, smarter, someone who has a better knowledge of 40s/50s movies, and run off with her? Why is he with me?
I know I cannot adopt that mentality, that the insecurity alone will be enough to drive him away.
But I really want to crawl into a hole. I don’t want to feel this thing again. I am not sure it is worth it. I would rather the guys just tell me up front that they are going to hurt me, badly. Normally, I like surprises, but I would really appreciate a little warning in this arena.
It looks like it is time for a run.
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3 comments:
Amy-
You will get hurt if you fear getting hurt, simple as that. If you think of all the ways he can hurt you he will undoubtedly will hurt you in one of those ways. Main reason is those fears lower your self-esteem, which is absof-ckinglutely crazy because of how cool you are, and low self-esteem is what people want to get away from. Don't then say woe is me, everyone wants to get away from my low self-esteem, just say f-ck it, I'm the badass motherf-cker here, and I'm going to have a good time. You can even do it in front of the mirror (it's fun, not that I would know). Go get em' badass motherf-cker!
The thing that people forget is that EVERYONE has things about them that makes them unattractive. There are 101 million reasons why Amie should dump me, and I could certainly list a bunch of them for you. Likewise, there are just as many reasons I should dump her, but for whatever reason, we see the best in each other at this point in time.
Will it be the same in a year, a month, a week, who knows, but if I spent time thinking about the things she might not like about me I will start to be hyperaware of them, and I do that sometimes, and when I do that I am not compfortable, I am just thinking about if she is thinking about the things I am thinking about. Then it's awkward and weird.
BUT, usually this is not the case, it's just an example of how worrying kills everything. Boy #6 has problems, things that make him unattractive, just like you, just like me, just like everyone not named Eva Longoria. Let's just be cool with them.
Run, Amy, run!
Oh, wait. I'll probably be the only one telling you that. And the fact that I'm not known for anything longer than three weeks probably takes me out of the running for giving you advice.
But remember love is opening yourself up to getting hurt . . . and knowing you may hurt the other person. So, although it may not be love now (don't know since we still haven't seen each other for two 1/2 months!), remember love is worth it. Lust is good, too, though.
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