The Ocelot and Her #2

I hate to devote an entire blog to #2, but I am afraid I must. He is consuming me right now, and I hate him for it, that selfish prick. Red fades to pink in time though, so tomorrow might be a better day.

Lemme break it down:

Once upon a time, there was a boy, let's say his name happens to be #2. #2 is a skinny boy, with dark brown curly hair, and big, almost india ink eyes. He plays guitar. He is incredibly brilliant. He is a member of the tribe. And he also happens to work at a summer camp.

One summer, a girl, let's call her Ocelot, decides to work at this summer camp. Ocelot loves working at this summer camp so much, that she goes back every year for five straight years.

During these five years, things are rather tumultuous between 2 and Ocelot. One summer they almost hooked up, but 2 did not want to cheat on his girlfriend, so they kept it cool. Or as cool as you can be, when you are battling sexual tension and you cannot touch the other person.

Ocelot and 2 kept in close touch during the off season, especially when Ocelot and 2 went to college. 2 was going to college on the west coast, and Ocelot decided to stick to the midwest. They had numerous IM and phone conversations, during which Ocelot proceeded to fall deeper and deeper in love with 2. Sure, he would tell her about girls he was seeing, but that didn't matter. She was smitten.

Ocelot began to build 2 up as the ideal. Every boy she dated was judged against him. She held onto the ones that were most like him the longest.

Then Ocelot happened to move to the very same town that 2 called home. During an early visit to the town, Ocelot eagerly anticipated a visit from 2. 2 never came, citing distance as a reason. After living thousands of miles apart for years, Ocelot did not think that 45 minutes was too far to drive. Ocelot stopped talking to 2 after that for a while.

At least until, she moved to the town permanently. For the first two months she was there, she tried desparately to arrange a meeting, but to no avail. She renewed her resolve to stop talking to 2, until he got his shit together.

A few weeks later, 2 called. He apologized profusely and arranged a meeting. It was just like old times, only Ocelot felt very "country" and not up to speed with 2's city life. She felt she needed to prove herself to him somehow, so that he would begin to love her as much as she loved him. This proved damaging for Ocelot, and most unhealthy to boot. She resolved to try and keep this feeling at bay by not calling 2.

During the next 2.5 years, Ocelot and 2 went on a very hilly roller coaster ride. Sometimes Ocelot was in love with 2. Sometimes she was disgusted by 2. Sometimes she was depressed courtesy of 2. Sometimes, very rarely, 2 even got mad at her. Once, after some sake and painting, Ocelot and 2 kissed each other. After which, Ocelot went running out the door. Halfway through the drive back, 2 called and asked her to come back. She refused.

Which now brings us up to the present in this fractured fairy tale. Most recently, Ocelot has been regarding her relationship with 2 as one of "brotherly love." She loves 2, she cares about his well being, but she understands that he is generally self-centered (2 has said this, many, many times) and does not return her affections on the same level. However silly, she is OK with this, because she likes being around him and hanging out with him and such. They email and call regularly, and see each other about once every two weeks. Things have been all good. Until last night

Last night, Ocelot returned home from a Christamas party, still feeling warm and fuzzy from the Christhomas cookies and warm cider brandy concoction she consumed. 2 had called her twice during the party, but she missed his calls. She called him as she left the party, and he suggested she call him again once she returned to her (and his, incidentally) neighborhood. When she arrived home, she called 2, and told him she was too tired/drunk to put on her social hat again. 2 said fine, he would drive over to Ocelot's house, he was not that drunk anyways. He arrived, wine bottle in hand, happy to see Ocelot, but mostly happy to see the kitties (of course, who wouldn't be?).

For the next three hours, Ocelot and 2 talked. They began talking about normal things, work, 2's band, kitties, music, books, etc. As the wine left the bottle and lips flowed freely, things began to come out. But not from Ocelot. From 2. 2, a very good talker, just kept talking. Ocelot was practically in tears by the end, because her heart was broken. 2 proceeded to ask her why she was friends with him, when he is so repulsive? 2 said he was a selfish, pessimisitc, nihilist, who cares little about the "implications" of things. He said nothing matters in relationships, they are just dust. He said he cared about people, yes, but that the interactions did not matter. He also told Ocelot that she was beautiful and smart and funny. He again, questioned why Ocelot would hang out with him. He said Ocelot had a lot going for her -- a job, friends, kitties, hobbies. He said that Ocelot, more than anyone else, should hold the power in the relationship. He said that Ocelot has the exact opposite view of the world, in that he has no faith in people, and she has endless faith. He said that if anyone would change his mind about this, it would be Ocelot.

Ocelot was so frustrated at this point, that she asked him what the hell he wanted, and please stop fucking with her mind. He said that whenever they hang out, there is always this thing between them, regardless of whether it was expressed or not. He wondered why she never made a move. He said she had a few options, one of which involved a romantic situation that they both new would end in ruin, another of which would be a smack across 2's face followed by a long cooling off period, and the last of which would involve a sleepover with no physical contact, because he was too drunk to drive home.

Angry and tired, Ocelot opted for the third choice. And she kept her word, and he kept his. In the morning, she left him in her bed to go to brunch, assuming he would be gone by the time she got back. He wasn't. He slept a little more after she returned, and then woke up a bit to play guitar and talk some more. Ocelot told 2 that she was pissed at him for the night before. She could not believe his audacity. He said he was sorry, but he was just trying to be honest, and did she have any questions. Of course she had questions. But she did not ask. She already knew the answers.

After a few more hours, 2 finally left. All Ocelot was left with, all she is ever left with, was that terrible, freezing blanket of rejection. The sting of missed opportunity, and bruises from self-inflicted wounds for letting herself regress into old feelings.

Maybe the truth is, she has always, and will always, be in love with 2. She can stamp it down into an airtight container and put it in the corner, but it will always be there. She can paint it all the colors of the rainbow, but the shape still exists. It's a weakness, Ocelot thinks, one of the side effects of always believing in people. Maybe it's pain she has to feel, she thinks, because it is in pain that we remember the frailty of life and the importance of working against the causes of pain for everyone, everywhere. Maybe, just maybe, 2 reminds her of her own human struggle to exist, and without him, without the struggle, she perishes.